I’m not trying to ape an eight-year-old David Sedaris book with this, but it’s true: I will never learn French.

I tried to learn it. It started with the Coffee Break French podcast, but I didn’t have the time or determination to listen. I tried buying a used “Teach Yourself” book, but I had even less patience with that. Now I’m leaning towards taking a community college class. I think having assignments will force me to focus. I’ve always tried hard in school, even if the subject seemed useless.

I think my reluctance to learn another language is a reflection of my poor motivation: I want to keep up with Linda. She not only speaks French, but also Swiss German and the two languages she’s exposed to in Togo – Ewe and bastardized French. If I ever visit France, Switzerland or Togo, it will probably be at Linda’s behest. So why bother learning a language if I’m traveling with a translator? I’d be happy to translate if we ever end up in a Spanish-speaking country. I’ll be good at it, too, as long as everyone speaks slowly and uses the infinitive form of verbs.